BENITEZ LEAVES....CLAIMS "I WAS DRIVEN OUT OF LIVERPOOL"

Reports are coming in that El Goatee has been driven out of Liverpool . Jo Jo McFlick-Knife said "er....I was robbing some old dear of her pension, when I looked up and saw him being driven out of the training ground. Didn't see where he went, the old dear smacked me good and proper." Subsequent reports have Mr Benitez stuck in traffic on his way to the hospital to visit Aquilani

MANCHESTER CITY vs MANCHESTER UNITED

Sir Alex Ferguson's comment today about the sacking of Mark Hughes was brilliant. In one sentence he said everything that differentiates City from United. He was proud of Bruce sticking up for his old team mate. In one sentence he told the world that you may play for United and move on and join rivals, but the fact that you played for United means everything, United they stand. Money can come and go, but a United man is a United man. City can buy players but they can't buy what's in your blood.

MANCHESTER CITY - MARK HUGHES

Mark Hughes is a good manager, but he was the wrong man in the right place at the right time. Hughes is not in the Ferguson, Wenger, Hiddinck, Mourinho, Ancelotti, Wee Pep's bracket, but that is not to say that he won't be eventually. He was a dead man walking as soon as Abu Dhabi Bob took over. They haven't bought any promising young players, so why would they want a promising young manager.

MANCHESTER CITY - GARY COOK

Big cheese is recruited from Nike. Used to dealing with high profile superstar basketball players. Joins Manchester City to assist that process in the football world. One would expect big cheese to understand PR. Seems not. Did nothing wrong in recruiting a new manager behind the existing ones back. Every club has done that. Even the way it was done has been done before (remember Jol and Ramos at Spurs) No Mr Cooke gets the amateur award for the briefings, the press conference, the banning of the media. That shows a man who cannot control a situation, who doesn't understand football, doesn't understand what he let himself in for and as such his club. We fans want our clubs to act honourably in their dealings or if that is not possible, brushed under the carpet. Cook can't do either..

WENGER'S BEST YEARS

Arsene has let it be known that the last four years are those he is most proud of. This is the four years in which he has won....er....nothing. Meanwhile Sir Alex Ferguson is struggling to choose between the years he won the League, Champions League and FA Cup to find a gap where he went longer to win something than the average Robin Van Persie injury.

EL CID

We have all seen the film. El Cid fights the dirty foreigners, leads a great army and starts taking his own land from the infidel. The infidel start to believe that El Charlton Heston has powers they cannot compete with. His very appearance on the battleground scares the opposition into defeat. They believe him to have godly powers. In fact even after they kill him and rejoice, the next morning he rides out in full armour (little do they know that he is dead, propped up by a plank of wood) and the rest his history. Spain reclaims its lands from the Moors.

Manchester had an El Cid, his name was Ronnie. Every time he turned up, the opposition's heads dropped. This story has a different ending though. The Spanish killed El Ronnie and now everyone knows they can take on the great Manchester United. He is never riding out in the red of Manchester United again, backed up by a plank of Gary Neville, and now everyone thinks they might just as well have a go. Mixed in with a few injuries and its game on. Ronnie was worth alot more than £80m, if thats the price you put on invincibility

OH TO BE A POMPEY FAN

How is it that Pompey get the only poor Arab in the world? Just when they think they must be heading for the big time, it looks likely they are heading for the Chumpionship. The problem with privately owned companies is that there is no disclosure. So whilst they built a squad to win the FA Cup, then sell it (in a firesale) nobody really knows where the huge profits that Redknapp generated has gone. Meanwhile a good win against Liverpool today and there is hope in the transfer window. Harry has Pav, Bentley, Jenas, Keane and Bale available for loan and he is still looking out for his old club. He must be the first bloke to manage two clubs at the same time

BILL AND BOB

Coming soon to a blog near you

MARLON KING

Marlon King - always scored goals against second rate opposition, gets abit frustrated when he steps up a league and he is found wanting. Seems like it is the story of his life. Must be really proud of his "I am a millionaire" line to the woman in the club. Seems good looking southern girls and central defenders in the Premier League have something in common. They all think Marlon is very, very ordinary. Lets hope he has got the message.

BENTLEY HITS LAMP POST

David Bentley, who was given every football fans dream, a professional contract by the club he supported a s a boy, has hit a lamp post. Rumour has it, Uncle 'Arry was going to select the said post to play against Liverpool on Sunday instead of Bentley, who took offence and lashed out at his new teammate in the early hours of this morning.

DEFOE TO SUE THE POLICE

Jermaine Defoe is suing The Police after being stopped for driving a Range Rover and being held in custody. Sting, a spokesperson for The Police said "Our traffic officers saw a Range Rover being driven by a very small person. All the officers could see were two hands on the stearing wheel with a large amount of jewellery on each finger. We pulled the car, in question, over to ascertain who was driving it, to find Mr Defoe. We held him in custody until Officers found a couple of cushions he could sit on, before allowing him to continue his journey"

AFTER THE DUFFYDIL SAY HELLO TO THE ROONEYROSE

After the singer had a daffodil named after her, a rose grower has created the rooneyrose. It grows quickly, starts blue then turns to a red, flowers very early in life but as it grows older becomes uglier by the day, with a receding petal line. It grows wider and finally just explodes in your garden one day killing everything in the vicinity, except the gazza-geranium. Alex Ferguson the rose grower in question stated "Gazzas are more demanding and more difficult to nuture, I would always have loved to develop a gazza but the conditions in the North West are not suitable, they are the holy grail. Rooneyroses are easy, you just feed it, and wait for it to explode"

SKY HD ADVERT

"Was reffing Man Utd vs Spurs. It was toward the end of the game.... 0-0 written all over it. I was on the half way line and the Spurs player, next to me, spanked this ball toward the goal, and it looked good as soon as he hit it. I thought...thats gonna be close. Pedro was his name....nice guy, plays for Rangers now. The Utd keeper, Roy flounders and backtracks. I noticed the Spurs fans behind the goal. They all celebrated... You can't get so many fans to cheat. All of them went up, to a man and boy. It was a goal, no question. Roy though collects the ball before it hits the net and then proceeds to throw it out to his full back like nothing happened, despite it being over the line. I am still on the halfway line I can't see. Thankfully we didn't have Sky HD back then. As Jose says, its about inches and milliseconds...or in this case, 6ft" Mark Battenburg ....Stretford End, Block E, Row M, Seat 179

MIKE ASHLEY STARS IN 'BIG 2"

Fat Cockney kid, aged 8 goes to Circus and makes a wish and wakes up the next morning in the body of an adult. A rich adult. He buys a football club because he can. Decides to wear a replica shirt and sit with the fans, because lets face it, thats what a kid would do. Things don't go too well because he knows nothing of running a football club. Managers come and go and he decides that he needs to sell his toy, so does so on ebay, twitter and facebook, because thats all an 8 year knows. Nobody wants to buy the club because they know the kid will just bottle it in the end and give it away. Unfortunately, the club has been ruined and set back 5 years at least. Pacemaker Joe gets offered a contract until the circus comes to town in the north east again and the fat kid can revert back......... Coming to a Skysports cinema near you soon

SIR BOBBY ROBSON

There are a very few football people that transcend the tribal nature of our national game. Bobby Robson was one. That makes him a legend. I will let others to tell you why, because they are better able to, in words, than me. Condolenses to his family, and I am sure that they take great pride in a man who has achieved in football, something that only a very select few have....the ability to unite a footballing nation in their grief.

DARREN BENT VS DAVID CAMERON

In a radio interview this week, David Cameron, the Conservative Leader, caused offence by swearing when discussing Twitter. Yesterday, Darren Bent, the Spurs frontman, caused offence by swearing on Twitter. The difference? Best left to David Cameron, "The problem with twittering is you can end up looking a twat" Darren obviously doesn't agree (what actually is a twat?....Ed, Oh Oh I will tell you....G Neville)

FREE INSIDE THE BUG: 4 POINT SUPPLEMENT TO THE ASHES

To commerate the Ashes, a cricket competition between England and Australia, The Bug publishes a 4 point supplement today, free to all readers

1. Cricket was invented by a fat English public schoolboy called Webb Ellis in 1624
2. He was playing football at the time and having been beaten up for picking the ball up and running with it, and so inventing rugby, he then threw it back. Ever since a 'bowler' who has had enough after a good beating pleads "over"
3. The Ashes were created in 1882, when England first lost to Australia. An MCC member incensed at losing at cricket for the first time, burnt down the Australian National Museum of Literature. It contained a copy of Nuts Magazine, a Germaine Greer book that nobody understood and a copy of Womens Weekly. The Ashes were then placed in an urn....a very small urn
4. Freddie Flintoff's real name is Andrew. He is called Freddie because he scares the shit out the Australians, the old Australians that is, the ones that were world beaters, let alone this current squad of novices .......Freddie is coming to get you! Enjoy the summer

DALGLISH GRENADE

A grenade pin has been lobbed into Kenny's garden by a couple of blokes. Obviously rather strange seeing that Kenny doesn't live in Helmand Province but in Southport. Unfortunately they kept part of the exploding bit. Their remains are due to appear in Court on 6th August. Michael Owen has moved.

FOLDING FRANK MAKES A CALL TO BUG HILL

Not happy. Says his nickname infers he is old school of brown paper bags and motorway service stations. Tell him its a reference to his departure from Tottenham, that he just folded in front of money. Conversation ends with him telling me not to bet against Chelsea, the marquee signing is coming. Can't wait......

WHO AM I?

Went out with me mates, got drunk, smacked a bloke 3 times, it was all caught on CCTV, me mates have all pleaded guilty, whilst I was the one who threw the punches and I get off. (Amy Winehouse........oh no wait...Lee Bowyer, no wait.....it's on the tip of my tongue......Ed)