VALENCIA IN MANCHESTER "TALKS" CONFIRMED

Luis Antonio Valencia, the Wigan player, is in talks in Manchester. Apparently he was caught parking on a double yellow. Jo Jo McPizza aged 12, who witnessed the argument with the Traffic Warden, said, "This random bloke tried to say he was a premiership player and was on his way to United to replace Ronaldo. What a tosser, everyone knows that you fly to the airport in your private jet and Sir Alex picks you up in his Bentley. You don't drive a BMW with a personalised number plate LAV 1 do you?...what a chav!"